Article by Dan Griffin
Do you know that October is also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month in addition to being Breast Cancer Awareness Month? Do you know that the ribbon for preventing domestic violence is purple? Did you see any purple ribbons this October? While breast cancer is a very serious issue that deserves the amount of attention it gets, we can’t forget that domestic violence is just as serious and sadly, even more common. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a rarely discussed topic on our culture. It can be hard to understand, and especially hard to admit that one is in a violent relationship.
The silence around domestic violence is a big factor in allowing it to continue. Many people do not even fully understand what domestic violence is. Simply put, domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior where one person seeks to control another so as to diminish them or their ability to act freely as their own person. It does not matter why a person is abusive to another individual; it is always wrong and needs to end.
Let this domestic violence awareness month be the beginning of your commitment not to turn your head away from a situation where a man, woman, or child is suffering from domestic abuse. And please, if you are currently in an abusive relationship make a commitment to getting help. Here are four quick tips that I hope are helpful:
1. Your home should be a peaceful and safe place where all members can live in peace and grow spiritually and emotionally. There should be a zero tolerance policy with regards to domestic violence. Zero tolerance does not have to mean one infraction and you kick the offender out for good – it means having a plan and knowing how you are going to respond to that plan. We cannot simply say that we want to create a peaceful home when we did not grow up in one. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. Many times we need outside support to ensure that we do not repeat any of the behaviors that we witnessed and experienced growing up in dysfunctional and abusive homes. Whether or not the person who is struggling with being abusive is on board with the plan – stick to the plan!
2. Whether you are the one being abused, or the one doing the abuse, get help! Most people who are abusive towards loved ones do not want to be that way. Many abusers are acting out of trauma and have little to no awareness or understanding of why they behave the way they do. Regardless of the reasons why, the behavior is unacceptable and must stop.
3. Move beyond the narrow view of domestic violence being about battering. Domestic violence is so much more than physical violence. Verbally threatening someone, using your body size to intimidate or block them from being able to move freely, kicking doors or punching walls are just some other examples of abusive behavior. Educate yourself, be informed. Remember, pay attention to your gut is telling you – if something does not feel okay to you get some help!
4. If you are uncomfortable about the way you are being treated in an intimate relationship seek additional information and support to understand what you are experiencing. As soon as you sense that something is not right – or you experience something that makes you uncomfortable – listen to your gut. Talk to someone. Get help. The longer the cycle of violence continues the more difficult it will be to get help or intervene.
Dan Griffin, M.A., has worked in the mental health and addictions field for over 16 years. He is author of A Man’s Way Through the Twelve Steps and co-author of the groundbreaking trauma informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, which looks comprehensively and holistically at men’s needs and issues in recovery, including issues such as domestic violence awareness. To get a free excerpt from his book and his curriculum, go to http://www.dangriffin.com.
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